Thinking back . . . .

This will be an odd post for me for two reasons 1. I am a horrible blogger and 2. that I never ramble on about adoption and post institutional issues we have encountered. But I thought maybe if I posted about it could help some people still in process or those newly home with their kids, so here I go .....


I frequently think about how traumatic the whole adoption was for Don and me. Here we are two grown adults who have prepared for almost a year to travel to Russia and several years of mental preparation for a baby. I can remember the culture shock that first day in Moscow, totally jet lagged and wondering around the streets of Moscow turned around, cold and really .......... pretty darn scared. At the time I don't think I would admit to it. I recall being afraid to have our map out or to speak louder than a whisper in English. If I were to travel to Moscow now, I think to think it would be so different. My good friend Donna told me time and time again to not allow myself to be intimidated but I just couldn't. It was her one big regret and I have to say it is mine too. Then we went to the train station and waited there all afternoon alone with 5 other couples and a mountain of luggage! We stood out, we screamed AMERICAN TOURISTS to everyone there waiting for the train. The sweetest lady took Fran and I to the bathroom, a whole other culture shock! Then we finally got on the train, bundles of nerves going to meet our children.


I remember walking in to the Kirov City Baby Home and the smells that hit me, sour cabbage cooking, a musty odd smell. The heat of the place and it was so run down but clean. We were taken in to this room full of cots to wait to meet our children. It was such an overwhelming experience......I didn't feel like I was me, it was I guess like having an out of body experience. I was worried about Brynn at home, was everything going ok for her and Michelle? I just cannot explain how I felt. I was so tired but excited, scared but for no real reason.......Then we got to meet this terrific little guy and my heart melted. He was so sweet (and still is most of the time), I knew we were doing the right thing, no doubt. We had a couple of crazy days in Kirov and I never really slept the whole time on that first trip. I could count on my fingers the number of hours I slept that week.


We raced back home to get ready to leave again. I felt like I was in such a fog with horrible amounts of anxiety running through me. I will admit to a glass or two of wine before lunch that week. I was just trying to get through it. I was so worried about Brynn and her being left home but there was just no way to take her with us. I had so much to get ready and I was so exhausted. It was such a crazy time! Then back to Russia we went and I am not sure the fog lifted until we were home with Oliver for a month! Sad but true......


Now for the reality of it all for Oliver.....that is what I think most about! It was so hard to handle at 36 and 49 years old with all of the adult rationale that we have. I cannot imagine what it was like for Oliver. People speaking strangely to him, couldn't understand a thing being said (even with Don's attempts at Russian), strange places, loud noises he has never heard. Remember he had never been out walking, to a store, to church, on a train, in a car, on a plane, etc. ever before! What a traumatic experience for an adult much less a 10 month old that cannot understand what is happening. And then we were feeding him strange foods, using funny bottles, etc. I know he did remarkably well but now I understand more than ever why you are encouraged to stick close to home the first months. We had Oliver baptized and a shower a little over a week home. I wonder what the heck I was thinking! He was passed around that day and had loud music in the background, was paraded around our church........

Oliver still has some ongoing issues with loud noises, rooms full of strangers, speech, eating, GI problems, some delays with motor skills, walks on his tiptoes with an odd gate, etc. One thing that I see most often in him is his inability to handle large amounts of outside stimuli......loud noises, crowds, music......his responses are becoming more and more appropriate. I try to not read too much in to it all, just count our blessings he is doing so well and that eventually he will overcome all of them......he is a sorter, by this I mean he is always moving things around in a very organized fashion, he sometimes fixates on the sorting chore at hand. Concerning but to most people not very remarkable. I wonder if he will have OCD someday, it all seems odd. I wonder what caused him to be this way, was it being institutionalized the first 10 months of his life? was it being overstimulated those first weeks with us? is it just the way God made him? is it really nothing and I am over analyzing all of it? He is a very happy little guy and I feel so blessed to be his mother! I don't say this all to alarm anyone or scare anyone out of IA adoption but just what runs through my mind on a regular basis!

And then we have the reality of it all for Brynn, Michelle and Stephanie. All of a sudden they had this person in their lives that we were dictating to them was their brother and they must love him. We had our struggles on that front but I am happy to say we have three daughters who love their little brother very much and couldn't imagine life without him! The end result of all of this is so fantastic but has had its challenges and will continue to. Wouldn't change a thing but my mind still wonders about it all!