Oh boy, what have I gotten myself in to? Yesterday and today have been a bit overwhelming for me. I am feeling better at this moment short of the disaster my house has turned in to. For those who know me well, housekeeping is not one of my strong points so when I say it is a mess it is pretty bad. My kitchen counters are covered and my kitchen floor is disgusting and I am allowing a baby to crawl on it. I have 4 baskets of laundry to fold and put away. Tomorrow the social worker comes for her weekly visit in our last chat of the day today I told her to not look at my floors and she laughed.
John has become a silent stiff body most of the time expcept for his constant coughing. Breakfast and getting out the door was just about the end of my fostering. Fortunately he went to school and I was able to recover my whits. We decided going in to this that we would never call and ask to have children removed from us unless it was dangerous or detrimental for our other kids. I know people who have had attachment difficulties and have disrupted their adoptions/placements and never really understood it but have tried to be supportive of them. Well this last week has opened my eyes to their plight. John has challenged my patience, love and understanding unlike any 40 year old has much less a 4 year old. It is not that I blame him or don't understand that it is an unbelievably horrific experience that he lives every day. But, when you have child who refuses to speak to you, acknowledge you or be a participant in the simplest of tasks it really challenges you. I cannot imagine what it is like for people who have violent children or those with much more severe issues than John. Deep down he is a really sweet little boy and he was the one that sat at the dinner table tonight but from the time I woke him this morning till about 4:30 I didn't see him. Heartbreaking, isn't it?
This morning after our disasterous start, Oliver, Elizabeth and I went to Oliver's speech therapy and Elizabeth's PT, OT and feeding therapy. We got stuck in traffic (spring break and spring training make for a nightmare) and were late. Don met me there to take Oliver to his therapy while I attended Elizabeth's. You can only imagine Oliver running around while I try to pay attention to E. So Mom was there again this week. She got a bit confrontational with me about Sunday and the kids' care or in my opinion lack of it. In court on Monday (unsuccessful) my version of things was present by their social worker and guardian ad litem. I cut Mom off and said my responsibility is with the kids and I have a duty to report everything that occurs. She had the dirtiest feet...overgrown toenails that curled with black stuff under them and in the cuticles...I almost hurled! She took about 5 or 6 phone calls on her cell phone and was more interested in debating everything with me than seeing what we can do to help Elizabeth. I try to work with her several times a day on the floor. She is crawling all fours and wasn't last Tuesday:)
We then went to lunch with Don and picked John up from school. Brought Oliver home to spend time with Brynn. I look John and Elizabeth to John's doctor to figure the cough out. He refused to cooperate with his exam:( But just has croup, he is better already!
Enough complaining! I do like it but just wish I could get ahead of the game. I don't seem to find time for other things and know the kids aren't ready for me to have others care for them. We will figure this out. We may only have John till mid April when there is the next hearing. Little E will probably be around for a while. I have decided from now on we will only have one baby for a foster child. Of course being me I will change my mind:)
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2 comments:
hey there friend.. patience patience... you have gone from 1 to 3 children, and both the new little guys have so many issues.. you are amazing, a saint, an incredible soul to undertake such a daunting task.. and you are not even 2 weeks into it -- there are going to be days of "what am i doing?" and days of elation.. i am so sorry to hear about little john's new version of himself... and pray he is just testing you to see when you'll break.. and praying for him that he sees that you won't... hang in there... what can i do to help you? i got the brown jasmine rice tonight and jeff plans to make the superporridge packets for you tomorrow.. what else??? take a deep breath and repeat the following 10x... "I am doing something that most people wouldn't even consider -- i am amazing amazing... i have the patience of 1000 women, and the heart of 10,000 more... I will get through this day, these children will gain so much, and people around me will be inspired to be the change they wish to see in the world"... oh, and be sure you try ot find time in all this for YOU so you don't burn out!! love you!
Oh Tanya! What an amazing difference you are making for these children already... that's just amazing. Of course John is going to be a little stinker for a while with his mother manipulating him. Poor baby boy. But all E knows is your love & look how she is thriving already! That is really so cool!
It's a shame that the system allows her presence while the kids are healing -- physically & emptionally. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be on your end. But what a gift you are to them all -- and to your family too. You are really teaching Brynn & Oliver a whole lot about character & compassion by your example.
Keep up the amazing work, Tanya! And thank you for sharing on the blog. I look forward to reading -- you keep me so inspired!!!
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